Falling in Love All Over Again
by Manille
Summary: Another Yu Yu Hakusho fanfic...too late for Christmas but...I wrote it last year. ^_^; Yusuke/Keiko!


House Bill No. 6993 was passed in the Congress here in the Philippines recently. The bill asked for the legalization of divorce in the country. Many people want this bill to become a decree, for, as they say, "it will lessen our burdens." 

But in this Christian country, we believe in the sanctity of marriage and of the family. I am one of those who are against this bill, because among many other reasons, I believe that the family is a gift from God and breaking it up means throwing away God's gift. And once the couple breaks up, their children are the ones who suffer the most. 

So in response to this, I made up a story, which I turned to a _Yu Yu Hakusho_ fanfic. I do hope this will give you some enlightenment concerning how precious family life is. 

A very merry Christmas to you all. 

**Falling in Love All over Again**   
_by Manille_

Chapter One

* * *

_It never works._

That was the first thought that came into my mind as I woke up one Sunday. Like in all other days before that one. I just thought that our marriage never did work. 

The evidence was apparent just as I opened my eyes. No one beside me on the bed. 

As I got myself out of the king-size bed, which I so selfishly dominated all by myself, my eyes darted towards the sofa on the other side of the room. My so-called husband lay there, still snoring, hugging his only pillow. 

I sighed heavily. Why did I ever think I loved this man? What made my heart long for him years ago? What _actually_ made me marry him? 

We used to be what we ought to be-husband and wife, father and mother, two lovers under one roof. But after five years of marriage...everything just vanished, you know. 

I jerked upwards when Yusuke's eyes suddenly snapped open, as if I had willed him to wake up in his dreams. 

I self-consciously looked away and sauntered sleepily towards the door. 

_"Ohayo,"_ he grumbled, stretching up and inhaling deeply. He smiled at me. "Slept well?" 

"Um...more so," I mumbled under my breath. 

If it had been five years ago, I would have woken up with Yusuke creeping under our blanket and giving me a soft kiss on the lips first thing in the morning. Now it was just "good morning"-a classic plastic greeting-first thing in the morning. 

And Yusuke knew it. 

Actually, we had been talking about the divorce since September. And neither of us changed our minds about it. 

It was the first week of December already. 

I walked out of the room. I then felt Yusuke following me. 

And that was when we heard the crash-from our daughter's room. 

_Sakura. Oh, no._

Eyes wide, Yusuke and I looked at each other in terror, the worst of the worst thoughts in our minds. We sprinted (against each other) for the room. Yusuke beat me for it, and as he held the door ajar, I stepped in. 

I saw my child Sakura sitting on the floor, broken pieces of clay and countless coins spread out in front of her. 

My breath came out with a whoosh. "God, I thought-" 

"Eh, Sakura-chan?" Yusuke spoke before I could even finish. He walked over to our shocked-looking five-year-old. "Is your piggy bank _that_ full already?" 

"Oh, Sakura-chan," I gushed, picking her up from the floor and kissing her plump cheek. "Already awake so early!" 

"O-kaachan," Sakura complained in her sweet young voice, "I was just checking how much I have!" 

"You sure have lots," Yusuke said as he picked up the pieces of what used to be Sakura-chan's piggy bank. He looked at me, quite meaningfully. 

I rolled my eyes slightly. Whatever he meant by that, I ignored it. I turned to Sakura exasperatedly. "What am I going to do with you, little girl?" 

"Now o-kaasan," Yusuke warned me, "don't get mad at our little angel especially when she has just woken up." 

Yusuke was being so stupidly sweet-and annoying-that it was all I could do to prevent myself from strangling him. 

"Yeah, kaachan!" Sakura wrapped her arms around Yusuke's neck, releasing an "Ugh!" from him. He sure knows how to make the girl like him more. And the shame of it. "I just wanted to see my money so that I can go Christmas shopping with you!" 

The smile on Yusuke's face suddenly faded. 

Christmas. 

_What about it?_ I asked myself sullenly. Christmas was just around the corner, and neither Yusuke nor I was prepared for it-or actually looking forward to it. 

"Hey, you're in the right timing, Sakura-chan!" The smile was suddenly plastered back on Yusuke's face. "Your kaachan and I were planning to go Christmas shopping _right now_." 

My eyes widened at Yusuke. 

_Right now?!_

"That is, after our breakfast...or lunch, maybe." 

I shot him a deathly look. I was looking forward to a quiet day inside the house...and he wanted to go _shopping_?! 

"You're coming, kaasan, aren't you?" he asked in a voice dripping with honey. 

I smiled sweetly. "Of course I am." 

"Goodie!" Sakura exclaimed. Yusuke laughed and walked her out of the room, carrying her above his shoulders in a piggyback ride, and obviously ignoring my eyes. 

If only Sakura wasn't there, I could have strangled him until he turned green...really.   
  


The night was young when we got home after shopping. Yusuke drove our car quietly. I sat on the front seat, looking out the window, while Sakura slept on the backseat. 

Sakura. She was the _only_ reason why Yusuke and I postponed the divorce. 

When Sakura was born, Yusuke burst to tears, and he told me over and over again how much he loved me and how much he loved being my husband. And I told him, over and over again as well, that I loved him as much and I wouldn't trade any worldly thing for him. 

Then...the chemistry that we had since when we were fourteen vanished away slowly as we went about our work, him being a restaurant manager and a Reikai tantei at the same time, going to missions around the Ningenkai, and sometimes to the Makai and the Reikai; me being an elementary school teacher and a regular housewife. Then the time came when we didn't acknowledge each other like how we used to, until Yusuke's frequent absence got the worst of me...until sweet dialogues were replaced by hurtful discourses...until eventually, I got tired of everything. 

I told him that I wanted it. The divorce. It wasn't working out between us. 

But Sakura...so innocent a child. She didn't even know what was going on between her parents. Soon, her mother would have to leave, and her father would have to explain everything to her, tough as it may sound. And she would have to live in a big house with her father as her only companion. 

She was only a _child_! 

I breathed sharply. Yusuke must have sensed it. 

"You okay?" he asked softly. 

"Of course I'm not," I snapped. "Do you really suppose thinking about how our marriage has turned out to be makes me feel any _okay_?" 

Yusuke kept his eyes on the road. I knew that he was already used to my sudden outbursts. "There you go again, talking about it. Sakura is right behind us!" 

"I pity her because here we are, pretending that we're okay when we're not!" 

The car seemed to have picked up speed. "D you think I don't know that, Keiko?" he questioned, his voice rising. "We're at least _pretending_ because of Sakura!" 

"You mean we have to wait until Sakura becomes a teenager?" 

I heard a groan from the backseat. I checked on Sakura, who was stirring in her sleep. Eventually, as if she just had a momentary dream, she lay peacefully again. 

"How's Sakura?" 

I glared at Yusuke. "Thanks to you, she's all right," I said sarcastically. 

Yusuke opened his mouth to speak. Then, as if overcame by a second thought, closed it again. 

"What?" I demanded. 

Yusuke shook his head. "W-we're home." 

I didn't notice. We were turning on a corner, where our two-story house stood. 

"Hey, Sakura-chan, we're home," Yusuke sang out. I rolled my eyes, got out of the car and opened the gate to our garage to let the car in. 

Later, Yusuke and I were carrying tons of shopping bag from the car to the house as Sakura opened one after the other in our den. 

"Can we make the Christmas tree now, toochan?" 

"Now?" Yusuke repeated. "But...I thought you were sleepy?" 

Sakura shook her pretty little head stubbornly, black pigtails swaying side to side. "No, I'm not! _Onegai_, toochan? Kaachan?" 

Sakura's big brown eyes were unbelievingly pitiful that none of us could resist. "What do you think, kaasan?" 

I shrugged, smiling. "Why not?" 

Yusuke beamed at me, then at Sakura. "Okay, little pain." 

"Goodie!" Sakura whooped in delight, running to Yusuke and hugging his leg. "Thank you so much!" 

"Aw, Sakura," Yusuke gushed, bending down and picking her up. 

I shook my head slowly. Sakura was definitely closer to her father than to me. I couldn't deny that. 

But if I remembered right, I'd say I was that sweet to Sakura a few months ago...even sweeter.... 

"I'll go and change," I told Yusuke, ambling upstairs. 

Yusuke protruded his eyebrows in a pleading gesture. "What's the matter? Don't you want to help us?" 

I sighed. "I'll catch up with you later, okay?" 

"Oh, kaachan, don't you prepare dinner for me," Sakura reminded me. 

I couldn't help but chuckle. "Of course not, child. We just ate in the restaurant!" With that, I continued upstairs. 

As I closed the door to our bedroom, it opened again, revealing Yusuke, questions written all over his face. 

"Get out, Yusuke," I growled at him. "I want to change." 

He simply stepped into the room. "What's wrong? We used to stand in front of each other, both stark-naked." 

"Used to," I echoed, feeling blood rise to my cheeks. "That was before." Before he could see my face reddening even further, I turned around, my back on him. 

"So we can't do it again, huh?" 

_"Damatte."_

I heard him heave a huge sigh. "Fine." 

"Good. Now will you get out of here?" 

Silence. 

Then, the door closed. 

I sighed, wanting to cry but cannot. All of my tears were already shed a few months ago. 

Shaking my head, I began unbuttoning my blouse. 

"Can you do me a favor, Keiko?" 

"Damn it, Yusuke!" I muttered, whirling around to face him. 

Yusuke held both hands up. _"Onegai?"_

"What?!" 

Yusuke stepped closer cautiously, as if fearing my slap. He slowly put his hands down, and the look of surprise in his face gave way to one of...almost pleading, almost despondent. 

Somehow, his soft gaze also softened my feelings-for a while. 

"It's...our divorce." He inhaled deeply before continuing further. "Can you...wait...until the holidays are over...before you leave?" 

I looked at him closely, surprised at his words. _He_ wanted me to _stay_? I swallowed, fearing that those gemlike eyes of his might make me succumb into his arms. 

"W-why?" I asked, quite unsure of myself. 

"Well...I just thought maybe the three of us can get together during Christmastime. You know...celebrate it as one happy family." 

With the mention of family, I chuckled cynically. "One happy family." 

Yusuke blinked twice, looking frantic. "Look...we can at least try, right?" 

I bit my lip. No, I knew. I had plans. "Actually...I'm planning to leave next week." 

_"Next week?!"_

"Yeah. Leaving. Next week. Get that?" Somehow, I wanted to make him suffer even more. 

"But...why so soon?" 

I smiled sweetly. "Why, Yusuke...afraid of the responsibility?" 

Yusuke's shoulders slumped forward. I realized that I was enjoying this. "Okay, I admit, I'm afraid." Yusuke ran a hand across his black hair. 

"And you call yourself a Reikai _tantei_." 

"I'm not dealing with a _youkai_, Keiko. I'm dealing with you...Sakura...my family." 

"Deal with the family? I can't do your housework while I'm gone, Yusuke." 

"Why do you want to leave Sakura to me, anyway?" Yusuke's voice rose. I could even feel my surroundings tense up. "Afraid of the responsibility, huh? Is that it, Keiko?" 

His words wounded me like hell. But I was numb; I couldn't feel anything, no matter how harsh his words were. Come to think of it, maybe I hurt him even more. 

When I realized that I had no more intelligent comeback left inside my head, I went out of the room. I didn't get to change my clothes. 

"Keiko, please?" I heard Yusuke call behind me as I rushed downstairs. 

"I'm here, Sakura-chan," I said vivaciously, ignoring Yusuke's pleas. 

"Kaachan...I thought you were going to change your clothes." 

Wow. I had no idea Sakura was that smart for a five-year-old. "Oh...I...had a change of mind," I fibbed as I walked over to her. She was examining an angel figure, one that would be put on top of the Christmas tree. 

Her little pudgy fingers grazed the face of the angel deftly, as if it were her own masterpiece. Slowly, she trailed her hand over the fabric of the angel's robe, giggling to herself when she got tickled by the golden lace lining. 

My beautiful Sakura. Yusuke and I had named her after the sakura blossoms that were abloom on her birthday. It was springtime then, and the sweet cherry scent drifted into my hospital room as he watched over me. And I noticed how pink her cheeks were. Sakura looked a lot like her father, and she even seemed to adopt his cheerful and quite unbridled nature. 

"I told toochan to get the tree." 

I snapped out of my reverie upon hearing Sakura's voice. "What was it?" 

"He went to the attic to get the Christmas tree, the light, the balls...." 

"Oh." I smiled uneasily. "S-sure." 

"Yep, I'm here!" Yusuke burst into the den, heaving a huge carton box that held the detachable pieces to our artificial eight-feet-tall Christmas tree. As he pulled the box effortlessly beside Sakura and me, I noticed his biceps bulging behind his long-sleeved button-down shirt. He set it down. "Whew. Now for the lights!" He dashed up again. 

Sakura, firmly believing that she had the power to carry the box like how her father did, took an edge and began to pull. "Oomph!" she grumbled, pulling hard, but not managing to move it an inch. 

I smiled to myself. I'd say Urameshi Yusuke was Sakura's hero. At one time, I even heard him tell her a bedtime story when she demanded it. 

The story was about four young men who went to another world to get a flute. One that controlled bugs that turned humans they bite to zombies. They finished off the first three _youkai_ they met, when the leader of the group suddenly learned that his best friend, who was on earth, was being chased by these zombies. And he went off to fight with this last _youkai_, until he was drained of his energy, when this girl, his best friend, cried for him. And he got his powers back and defeated the _youkai_. 

It sounded like a fairy tale. "And they lived happily ever after," Yusuke had finished. And as I watched him and Sakura, he turned around and looked at me. And beamed happily. 

If only the two characters _did_ live happily ever after. 

Now I knew better. A fairy tale doesn't end in a wedding. It ends until the end. 

For Yusuke and me, the ending was drawing to a close. 

I took Sakura's hands and smiled at her. "Let your _toochan_ put the tree up, all right?" 

"Ah...here we go," Yusuke said, carrying yet another box, now a lot smaller. He placed it beside the other box and grinned at Sakura and me. "Let's begin, shall we, girls?" 

"Mm," I huffed, standing up. "Sure." 

Yusuke began taking the plastic dark green branches from the larger carton one by one and sticking them on an also plastic pole. Sakura and I helped with the job. Later on, Yusuke set the tree on the stand and wrapped a 20-meter long Christmas light set around it. Then, we hung golden tinsels, multicolored balls, a variety of aluminum snowflakes, and little Santa Clauses, reindeers and angels here and there. Finally, Yusuke took Sakura on his shoulders and stooped up so that she could put the last, grandest decoration on top of the tree: the image of an angel. 

"All right," Yusuke gave Sakura a high five. He set her down and went away to plug the light set. 

Sakura hurried to me. "I made a good job with the angel, right, kaachan?" she asked. 

I put a hand on her head and slightly tousled her hair. "Yes. You did well." 

As I looked back at the angel, I was momentarily blinded by the yellow light that suddenly shone from the tree. 

"Wow!" Sakura gasped in delight. 

I blinked. And I also thought, wow. The Christmas lights shone like a thousand yellow stars hanging on this artificial Christmas tree. The tree, although the same one, didn't shine like this during the past Christmas. Maybe the angels and snowflakes that Yusuke had bought that day made the difference.... 

"Now all we need are gifts under it," Yusuke began, taking his place between Sakura and me, "and of course, the whole family gathered around it." 

I shot Yusuke a look. He just stared blankly on the tree, eyes unblinking, one arm around Sakura. 

And I wondered if he did the tree so that he could convince me to stay...for the holidays.   
  
  


Chapter Two

* * *

I came home on Thursday afternoon feeling more tired than usual, but somehow the sight of my daughter bobbing up and down as she led our way home lessened my fatigue. She was raving about how she loved her recent lesson in her pre-school-math. 

I was never more than happy to learn that my little Sakura actually loved mathematics. I hoped it would continue on until her teenage years.... 

I have always reminisced what Sakura will be like when she grows up. Maybe, hopefully, she'll be one of the best students in her school, what with her rapid wit and curiosity. Maybe she'll have hordes of males waiting for her after classes. But eventually, she'll find someone more appropriate for her...someone who'll love her faithfully. And then I shall be there on her wedding, with her father leading her to the altar.... 

But I wouldn't be there to help her when she realizes that she has grown up. I wouldn't be there for her when her heart breaks, not when she wears her gown on her wedding day...no, only Yusuke's future wife would be there. 

Yet I knew I had to accept the facts. And for the hundredth time that day, I remembered what Yusuke had so harshly asked me last night: _"Why do you want to leave Sakura to me, anyway? Afraid of the responsibility?"_

It wasn't that I didn't care about Sakura or anything. I would visit her many times and even let her stay in my next home. But...maybe I just wanted Yusuke to know how hurt I was. 

And I wanted to join toosan and kaasan in America. That was one reason. 

As I prepared our dinner, I heard a knocking on the door. Sakura was in the den, quietly playing with her 64-pack crayons and a few pieces of paper. _Why can't he just come in?_ I asked myself, feeling quite irritated. _Usually, Yusuke would just burst in...._

Yusuke had the silliest grin on his face as I opened the door. "Uh...look who's here." 

He leaned sideward to let me see who was behind him. 

My jaw dropped. 

_"O...o-kaasan?!"_

_What in the world is she doing here?! Yusuke...!_

"Keiko!" Atsuko-san, Yusuke's mother, suddenly went in and embraced me. Then she looked at me on arm's length and stared at my face. "Goodness, you still look as pretty as ever." 

"W-well...thanks, I guess. Y-you're looking well, too." Yep, Atsuko-san never seemed to age. Maybe stopping drinking alcoholic beverages after five years has its merits, after all. She still had her long golden-brown hair, although it was tied in a bun behind her head. 

"And where is my sweet dear Sakura-chan who splashed me on the face with fruit juice last summer?" 

And she never lost her...er, the Urameshi silliness. 

"O-baasan!" Sakura yelled, running over. Atsuko-san knelt down and welcomed Sakura in her arms. "O-baasan, o-baasan, o-baasan! The best grandma ever!" 

"Ha-ha!" Atsuko-san began tickling Sakura on her waist, sending shouts and giggles all over the room. 

"Ah...merry Christmas, everyone," Atsuko finally told us. 

"Um...merry Christmas, too," Yusuke and I said in unison. We glanced at each other briefly. 

Then when I got the impulse, I pulled him away from Atsuko-san and Sakura. 

When I released my grip on his arm, he started bowing and apologizing. "Look, kaasan suddenly appeared in the restaurant. And she asked me if I can stay here for the whole holiday season. Of course, I couldn't turn her down." He smiled a little. "Don't worry, she gave up drinking a long time ago, remember?" 

"I know, I know," I told him, raising my hands in front of my face. Then I sighed heavily and crossed my arms under my breasts. "I didn't say anything about kicking kaasan out of here, did I? I'm not that kind of a person, you know." 

"Well...I just thought you'd be mad because...we didn't have any preparations or anything...." His voice trailed off. 

Yusuke really didn't know me well enough. Or maybe I really was unpredictable, on second thought. "Whatever. But...." 

Yusuke shrugged. "But?" 

"But...what about _me_?" 

Yusuke arched his eyebrows dumbly. "What _about_ you?" 

I scratched the back of my head. "I wanted to go away as soon as possible, remember?" 

Yusuke stared at me blankly for a while. Then, as comprehension dawned on the forgetful gray matter stuck inside his skull, a smile spread across his face slowly. 

"Heh-heh...looks like I've ruined your plans." 

"You sure did, _baka_." 

If I could only detach those bright white teeth from the silly grin on his face, I'd do it. 

No one-not my parents, Atsuko-san, our close friends-knew about our plans. Not anyone, just Yusuke and me. 

And Atsuko was there when I was ready to leave! 

"So you're gonna stay, right?" 

Yusuke's wide smile made me feel even worse. "I give up!" I groaned, throwing my hands up. 

As I walked to the den, where Sakura was showing Atsuko-san her drawings, I heard Yusuke call me from my back. "Keiko!" 

"What the heck?" I grumbled. 

The thousand-megawatt smile didn't leave the face of the cow. _"Doumo."_

I sneered satirically. "Yeah, whatever."   
  


I soon found out that Yusuke was right grinning after me. I was still at home a few days later. 

Atsuko-san and Sakura, the couple that can never be pulled apart, were playing on the snow one afternoon in our backyard. They didn't seem to mind the cold. They threw snowballs at each other, with Atsuko-san getting the head of it. 

"_Oi_, kaasan, don't hurt my Sakura!" Yusuke warned him, a small cloud forming before his lips as he spoke. 

"She's enjoying it, _Yu-chan_." 

Yusuke's jaw dropped. "_Yu-chan?!_ Since when did you call me Yu-chan, kaasan?" 

As Atsuko-san turned at Yusuke and me to reply, she was hit right smack on the face with Sakura's snowball. "_Oi_, Sakura! I'll get you!" Atsuko-san hollered, chasing Sakura-chan again around the place, forgetting about Yusuke. 

As I giggled, watching the two run around the snow, I heard Yusuke chuckle beside me. "Man, she doesn't look like a grandma, does she?" 

I shook my head. "Nope. She's...cool." I shrugged my shoulders. "She's only fourteen years older than we are, after all." 

"Yeah. Had me when she was fourteen." 

"I know," I quietly replied. 

Yusuke and I stood in silence, each of us intent in our own thoughts. Maybe he was thinking about his past. I thought about Atsuko-san and Yusuke, when I first met them, when I was in elementary...Atsuko-san was a drunkard, while Yusuke was a big-time bully. Yet I managed to befriend the two. 

Soon, I learned that Yusuke was the fruit of an unwanted pregnancy, explaining where Yusuke's father was. Which was nowhere. He lived with Atsuko-san ever since. 

"But she raised me...though alone." 

I didn't make a reply. 

"She had a hard time," Yusuke went on. "But we managed, didn't we? Although I acted like some street thug who doesn't know anything but to fight...the two of us managed." 

His eyes traveled around him, until they settled on me. "But I don't want what had happened in my childhood to happen to Sakura, Keiko. I want her to grow up...like a normal little girl. You know, like how you grew up to be. Because you had both of your parents." 

I didn't even raise my eyes at Yusuke. I felt my cheeks grow hot. 

"Keiko, look at me, will you?" 

I forced myself to look at Yusuke's face. 

His expression was like that of...of Sakura's innocent, pleading look. 

"W-where is this conversation taking us, Yusuke?" I asked nonchalantly. 

Yusuke's face didn't waver; he just stared deep into my eyes. "Our marriage, maybe?" 

"Yeah, right." 

At that point, Yusuke looked down on the trodden snow. "I...I really want to live my life forever with my family, Keiko...." he said quietly, kicking a patch of snow. 

Now I searched Yusuke's face. He pressed his lips together, frowning, as if trying to keep himself from...what, yelling at me? Crying? I didn't know. 

For a moment, I actually wanted to reach out and wrap my arms around him, if that would comfort him. 

"But...it doesn't seem to work, does it?" 

_Does it?_

I closed my eyes for a moment, wondering what had happened to Yusuke and me. 

When we got married, we promised never to leave each other through thick and thin. We swore to love each other unconditionally. We created a home together and furnished it with happiness and love. 

When did the happiness and love fade? We didn't seem to notice it happen. It came through us slowly, like a shadow at night, creeping up our home slowly without anybody noticing. And when it _is_ noticed, it is too late. Too late for a change. 

My head fell down as well. 

"No. It never did." 

An uncomfortable silence settled among the two of us, the only sound being the cold breeze and Atsuko-san and Sakura's shouts. 

Then I realized that it was the first time Yusuke opened our marital problems up to me. 

"Toochan! Kaachan! O-baasan's chasing me!" 

My thoughts suddenly vanished when I felt my little girl cling to my body. I chuckled, looking up at a tired-looking but obviously joyful Atsuko-san. 

"Ha! Got you at last, Sakura-chan!" Atsuko-san growled, imitating the sound of a lion. "Enma Daiou's gonna gobble you up!" 

"Kaasan!" Yusuke warned her. 

"Whoops!" Atsuko-san tried to pry off Sakura's body from mine. "Sorry, sorry...." 

I glanced at a sighing Yusuke, who was also smiling at Sakura and Atsuko-san. It was an almost wistful smile, I noticed. 

"Let's get inside, I'm tired!" Sakura told us, finally letting Atsuko-san take her. 

"Great!" Atsuko agreed enthusiastically. "You finally know what I'm feeling right now." 

Yusuke and I snickered. Sakura looked at us, wide brown eyes so curious and innocent. 

She then took Yusuke's hand, and on her left, she took mine. She swung both hands together, skipping merrily as if the snow didn't bother her. 

I became aware of Yusuke looking at me uneasily. I returned the gaze with a smile, also an uneasy one. 

Eventually, Yusuke smiled as well, that same wistful smile. 

I suddenly felt another hand holding mine. Sakura was gone without me noticing, and in replace of her touch was Yusuke's. 

I didn't know how Yusuke managed to slip his hand into mine, but the unanticipated moment took me off-guard that I wasn't able to move nor to speak for a moment. 

His touch sent shivers that seemed to flow from his hand to mine, though my arms, through my spine, through my heart. I found myself breathing hard. I alternately gazed at my hand, then at Yusuke. 

Yusuke didn't move an inch. But I felt his hand gripping mine harder, squeezing it gently, as if that would warm it. 

Then he stepped closer. Until his head was inches away from mine. 

_This looks familiar,_ I realized. One time, one winter, Yusuke and I ran together as snowflakes began falling down from the heavens. We danced like crazed people around the field, looking up and laughing at the snowflakes and at how silly we thought we looked. Then we stood still, gazed at each other, still holding hands. 

He looked handsome. His face was flushed in a light red tint; his lips a thin, perfect line. And before I knew it, I felt his velvety lips on mine. 

Now, as I looked at him, I wondered how it felt to kiss him again.... 

"No," I gasped, pulling my hand away. I closed my eyes, trying to regain control of my breathing, of my heart that began to pound hard behind my ribs. "Yusuke...I...." 

With a last look at his befallen face, I ran back to the house.   
  


I almost jumped when the phone suddenly beeped. As I held on to a few celery sticks, I took the kitchen phone and fixed it between my right ear and shoulder. "Hello?" 

"Hello...Keiko?" 

"Yukina? Hi!" Yukina and her family lived near our place and I visited her often, both of us catching up with our lives' details. Except for one of mine.... 

"Listen, I can't talk long, for I have to call up a lot of other people," Yukina went on in her soft voice. "It's like this. Kazuma and I are holding a little gathering on the day before Christmas." 

"A pre-Christmas party?" I repeated, genuinely surprised. 

"Great!" 

I almost jumped-yet again-at the unison sound of Yusuke, Atsuko-san, and Sakura. 

"Did we hear Christmas party?" Atsuko-san queried, grinning from ear to ear. 

"With loads of gifts, candies, and games?" Sakura asked, bobbing up and down excitedly. 

"Um...hold on a sec," I told Yukina. I covered the mouthpiece with my hand. "I'll see, okay?" I mouthed at the three partygoers. 

I went back on the line. "Hello?" 

"Yes?" 

"Um...who's supposed to come, anyway?" 

"Why, your family, Keiko!" Yukina nearly exclaimed. "Who else?" 

I kept quiet for a while. If the whole family would be there...Yusuke, Atsuko-san, Sakura-chan and I.... 

I had to be sure that no commotion will happen...whatever that means. 

"What is it, Keiko?" Yusuke inquired. 

I covered the mouthpiece again. "Yukina and Kazuma are throwing a party on the twenty-fourth," I told them. "And...everyone's invited." 

"Whoo!" Atsuko-san and Sakura gave each other a high five. Yusuke laughed at the sight. 

"Oh, kaachan!" Sakura begged. "Can't we go?" 

Sakura's pleading eyes were too impossible to resist. 

"Well? Is it a yes or a yes?" 

I laughed at Yukina. "Why, you left me no choice. A yes?" 

"Whoopee!"   
  
  


Chapter Three

* * *

I picked up the gift-wrapped box with the label "Shuichi-san" from under the Christmas tree. It was now full, with presents of assorted shaped and sizes littering the part of the den floor the Christmas tree covered. 

"I've collected the gifts!" I announced to the household. 

"Can we go now?" I heard Sakura yell impatiently. My child was really ecstatic about the Kuwabara family's Christmas party, and it wasn't even going to start until two hours later. It was three in the afternoon. 

"Not yet, dear. I'm not ready yet!" I called. 

"Hurry up, kaachan!" 

"I'm done, Keiko!" It was Yusuke, calling from our room. Or rather, the bathroom adjacent to our bedroom. 

"Good," I muttered. I raced upstairs, ready to splash in warm water. 

Fifteen minutes later, I got out of the shower, a white terry-cloth towel wrapped around my body. I shook my hair in front of my face, running my hand through it. 

When I threw my head back, I saw Yusuke staring at me. 

He was standing in front of the bed, his upper body bare. He seemed to be picking the shirt he was going to wear when I came out of the bathroom, judging from the number of shirts spread on the bed. 

I blinked at the sight of his abdominal muscles. I hadn't seen his body for quite a while—we stopped making love since time knew when, after all, and since it was winter he didn't like to remove his top. 

Now…. 

"Uh…" Yusuke still didn't blink. 

"What are you staring at?" I snapped, heading for the closet and opening the door that made a barrier between Yusuke and me as I scavenged the racks for a dress. I tried my best not to acknowledge the blush that was creeping its way to my cheeks. 

"Um…nothing." 

"Really." I tightened the towel around my body and proceeded to the tough part—picking a dress. If Yusuke still hadn't found what to wear after my stay in the shower for about fifteen minutes, how long would it take _me_? 

"Well…I was just…I don't know. I…." 

I leaned back so that I could peep at Yusuke. 

I raised both eyebrows. "You what?" 

"I…I…nothing." 

"Fine." Sighing, I pulled a short black dress. Nope. It was Christmas and I was going to wear black? 

_What about red?_ I asked myself. _Green?_

"Keiko." 

I grunted in response. 

Yusuke hesitated before speaking. "Do you…is there…?" 

The unsaid question made me turn my head to him again. 

Wait. 

_This looks familiar,_ I thought. Once again, my mind took me to a distant memory…. 

It was the night after our wedding. Our honeymoon, in other words. I had just come out of the shower, with only a small towel covering my body. And as I looked at the bed, I saw Yusuke sitting there, looking at me admiringly, his trunk exposed. 

Without a word, he had approached me. I felt his hands touch my skin, his fingers warm and soft, yet they sent sensuous shivers all through me. And, taking my hand, he pulled the towel off me and let it fall by itself on the floor…. 

It was an unforgettable night. The night I was turned to a woman for real. The night I was made a woman…by my husband…. 

"I-is there…?" 

"Is there what?" Returning back to reality and the present, I pressed on, my voice sounding strangely little. 

"D-do you think…there's…a chance to…to make me change your mind?" 

I forgot about my dress. 

I gazed at my husband's face, one that again had the childish, wistful look I began to see on him more often that month. 

"Change…my mind?" I reiterated, gulping. 

"Yes, Keiko," Yusuke said. "Can you…can I…?" 

I shook my head in confusion. "What? Tell me," I told him softly. 

"K-Keiko." He took a deep breath. "I want…you to stay." 

Tension suddenly built up around the room, suffocating me. What was Yusuke saying? That he didn't want to go through the divorce? 

I thought he wanted to. We talked about it, a long time ago, although it broke both our hearts. Just seeing our beautiful home, our child, our Sakura…. 

If only he and I didn't forget about each other as we went on our work. If only we didn't say those hurtful words. If only we had noticed what we had been missing before it was too late…. 

_If only…._

"Keiko, we've still got a chance," Yusuke continued, his tone high-pitched and beseeching. "It's not too late—" 

"Yusuke," I began to protest. 

"No, Keiko," Yusuke interrupted before I could say anything. He advanced towards me. "I…I'm sorry I've caused you pain. I'm sorry…I…I don't know what to say anymore…." 

I couldn't tear my eyes off his distressed face. He was really trying to keep the family. 

_He…he still loves me._

With that sudden revelation, my face lighted up. "Yusuke…" 

"Keiko…please?" 

"I…I…." 

_"No. It never works. It never did."_

I stepped back with a gasp. 

Now the thoughts in my mind were fighting against each other. And it seemed as if no one was losing, and no one was winning, either. 

_We have another chance._

_It will never work._

_Sakura needs her mother._

_She can grow up with her father._

_You're ruining a perfect family._

_You need to start on a clean slate._

So many thoughts, each one contradicting each other. 

Then, as if they were enough for my mind to handle, my sense suddenly became a blur. I pressed my fingers against my temples. 

"Keiko…are you all right?" 

"Yes." I looked up at him wearily. "Look, Yusuke…" I fished the first thought that first cleared in my brain. "I'll think about it." 

"You…you will." 

"Yes." 

After a wordless moment, Yusuke nodded once. "Okay." 

"Mm." I went back to the closet and, in an impulse, took a light periwinkle evening gown. It was long, with a slit at one side from just below my hips downwards. Hiding from Yusuke, I slipped myself into it. 

"I'm…just going downstairs, okay?" 

"Sure," I said hoarsely. 

As I heard the door close, I went out of my hiding place and put myself into a pair of white pumps. Then I sat in front of the dresser and applied make-up As for hair, I put my shoulder-length brown locks up in a French twist while letting a few strands fall in front of my ears. 

I reached for the jewelry box inside my drawer. I took a pair of earrings with jade stones in them 

A gift from Yusuke on our first wedding anniversary. 

I put them in my ear piercing and wondered what he would say if he found me right then. 

Then I found myself searching for that band. 

It was hidden under assorted golden necklaces. 

I held the ring up. The sunlight pouring from outside made the stones glitter. 

It looked like a silver ring with diamonds set around it, but it wasn't silver. Nor were the stones diamonds. Yusuke brought the ring home from the Makai when he stayed there for three long years during our youth. He brought it home…just for me. Just to fulfill the promise he had made before he went away. 

_"I'm going back after three years. Then…we're going to marry."_

And after an agonizing three years of missing him, he came back. Then we got engaged. 

When we turned twenty, we got married. 

I'll never forget the time when our love for each other started to grow, back when we were fourteen…. 

When he died and I had to kiss him to bring him back to life. 

When, as I waited for him to come back to life, I saved his body from being swallowed by flames in his house. And his spirit saved the both of us—his body and me—from the fire. 

When he saved me from Hiei, now our close friend. Hiei kidnapped me because he wanted the treasures Yusuke had rescued from the other thieves, and Yusuke was there to save me. 

When he saved me for the second time. I was being chased by possessed beings and Yusuke rescued me, almost losing his life in the effort to do so. Although he admitted in the end that it was his fault I got hunted, I forgave him. 

When I took care of him while he was unconscious in the _Ankoku Bujutsukai_ tournament. 

When I became the caretaker of his alter ego, his own soul, Puu. 

When he came out of the Cave of Irima as a youkai, yet I was the only one who noticed him, and I ran to him and embraced him. 

When he bid me goodbye and proposed to me. 

And when he came back. We were on the beach, and I suddenly heard his voice. I ran up to him and pinned him down on the ground, and kissed him…. 

So many wonderful memories. 

And finally, I began to see why he didn't want to let me go.   
  


"You look beautiful." 

"Thank you," I said. "And you look wonderful, too," I added, returning his compliment. 

Yusuke looked just great in his cream tuxedo, with the same color of pants. His hair was brushed back like how he used to when we were younger. 

My dress hugged my body tightly and left my back bare, and I had to grab a fur coat as we all got out of the house and into the car. 

"You're so _kawaii_, kaachan." Even from Sakura, I got a compliment. 

"Why, you're even prettier than I am!" I told her, giggling. Atsuko-san, in her insistence to dress Sakura-up, had done a good job. She chose a green baby-doll dress for Sakura. Even she wore stylishly! She was in a knitted peach blouse that fitted her figure well. 

"I didn't know you do a great job with children, kaasan," Yusuke commented. 

"You weren't a girl." 

Atsuko-san and I broke into fits of laughter. 

"Oh, is that so?" Yusuke said good-naturedly. 

"No, just kidding, Yu-chan." 

"Don't call me Yu-chan, kaasan," Yusuke groaned. "I hate it! And I'm twenty-six already!" 

"But it's _kawaii_! I like it!" Sakura insisted. "_Yu-chan_!" 

"Sakura-chan!" I chided. "Call your father toochan!" 

"Oops…looks like I'm turning out to be a bad influence," Atsuko mumbled, pressing her fingers on her lips. 

Yusuke and I sniggled. We glanced at each other. 

We even looked like a happy family.   
  


"Where did you get that tuxedo, man?" Kazuma asked Yusuke, laughing out loud. "You stole it from a New York shop or something?" Mockingly, he slapped his forehead. "Oh, I forgot, we're well-off already." 

"Shut up, Kuwabara," Yusuke told him, snickering at his best friend's antics. 

Yukina nudged her husband on his shoulder. "Oops, sorry, Yukina." Kazuma smiled at her sweet young face. 

I was sitting on one end of a sofa, with Yusuke on the arm beside me. He handed me a champagne glass of apple juice. I smiled gratefully and took a sip. 

Sakura was playing in the children's room with the three Kuwabara children, while Atsuko-san and the other grandmas and grandpas were nowhere to be seen. Kazuma, Yukina, Minamino Shuichi, Yusuke and I were in the living room. 

"It's too bad Hiei can't come," Yukina commented, looking rather dejected. "He's out there in the Makai." 

"Yeah. Too bad," Kazuma agreed. 

Yusuke and Shuichi, who was still a bachelor in spite of his good looks, glanced at each other meaningfully. Since Yukina and Kazuma learned from Hiei himself that he is Yukina's brother, the two archrivals began to be in good terms with each other, amazingly. For the sake of Yukina, thank goodness. 

"What about your sister?" I asked Kazuma. 

"Oh, Shizuru-neesan? She can't come either—she's in Sapporo with her family." 

"Wow. She went far, I see." 

"Yep." Kazuma turned to Shuichi. "So, Shuichi-san…when are you gonna tie the knot?" 

Shuichi's face turned pinkish, almost matching his long flaming red hair. "Um…not sure yet…." 

"Yihee!" Kazuma and Yusuke jeered. 

"Yusuke!" I chided, hitting his thigh lightly. 

"Yeah, Yusuke!" Kazuma turned to Yusuke again. "When are you and Keiko going to have another baby?" 

At that point, neither of us spoke. 

"Yukina and I already have three," Kazuma boasted. "And you got married earlier than we did…." 

Kazuma droned on about his wife and kids as Shuichi-san silently listened. But the silence between Yusuke and me was deafening. I found myself clutching my glass tightly, my hands shaking uncontrollably. 

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Yusuke trying to catch my gaze. 

Another baby? 

How could we…Yusuke and I were about to break up…. 

_"We've still got a chance…."_

My mind went on a roller-coaster ride again as it tried to wrestle all my thoughts, worries, fears and hopes about my marriage with Yusuke. Each notion nagged at one another, taunting me, wanting to hurt me more and more until my body felt heavy with all the invisible weight forced upon my back. 

_You can't have another baby because you're having the divorce._

_You're not going to divorce, you still love each other!_

_No, you don't! You love each other yet you fight with each other very often!_

_It's not about the fights, it's all about our real feelings!_

I swallowed. I saw the room dance around me in a blur, and it whirled before my eyes until the faces that had been there just a while before drowned in a mixture of bright colors. 

"Hey, Keiko…is the champagne getting into you?" I heard Yukina ask worriedly. 

"N-no, it's…apple juice," I managed to say. 

"Oh…well, are you all right?" 

I felt Yusuke's arm slip around my shoulders. "You okay, honey?" He took my glass from my hand. "Do you need anything?" 

A bead of sweat popped out of my forehead. "Yusuke," I breathed haggardly, "take me out of here." 

"W-what's wrong?" he asked. 

I looked up at his face, full of anxiety, when it was suddenly blurred into a hazy cloud of colors. "Please…." 

"I'll show you to the guest room," Yukina offered fretfully, standing up and running upstairs. 

I felt two other pairs of hands touch my shoulders. "What's wrong with Keiko, Yusuke?" I heard Shuichi-san query. 

"I…I don't know," Yusuke stuttered. "Don't worry, I'll take her up…we'll manage." 

I shut my eyes tightly and ground my teeth together, trying to get rid of the pain that lacerated its way through my head. 

I felt Yusuke's strong arms carry me, one around my shoulders, the other behind my knees. As if I weighed nothing, Yusuke took me upstairs. 

Then I felt myself lie on something soft. I moaned, feeling the pain that had so afflicted me just a while ago subside a little. 

For several minutes, I just lay there with my eyes closed, hearing nothing but the drone of the electric heater in the room. I knew that Yusuke was in the room, watching over me, making sure that I was all right. 

And the thought of it made me feel contented. 

I found myself slowly falling into a slumber. 

I willed myself to a dream that was flowing into me like a gentle breath. 

Everything was bathed in soft colors. Around me were fluffy white clouds against a background of blue. 

Then I saw Yusuke's face before me. He reached up to me and touched my hair. He tucked some loose strands behind my ear. 

He whispered something to me. 

"I love you," he said. 

I looked at his face. His eyes flickered like shining brown gems, gazing at me with an intensity I knew well but seemed to have been forgotten. I could feel his warm breath caress my lips gingerly. 

I felt refreshed all of a sudden. 

Then I felt his lips on mine. He grazed my lips slowly, taking in every single detail of it. 

I drowned myself in this euphoria that Yusuke washed over me. I parted my lips and kissed him back. In response, he deepened his kiss, carrying me higher and higher to the heavens. 

One kiss was all it took me to know that I still… 

Cared… 

I still loved him…. 

My eyes snapped open. And as consciousness befell me, I felt Yusuke's lips on mine. 

He was kissing me all along as I was sleeping! 

Panic surged through me like a bolt of lightning. Gasping for air, I pushed Yusuke off my body. 

I sat up on the bed, breathing hard, letting what had happened register in my mind. 

Yusuke was breathing as hard as I was. "K-Keiko…" he began in an anguished whisper. 

The frenzy was suddenly replaced by white-hot rage. My hand shot out, solidly hitting Yusuke's face. 

His head snapped to the side. 

Of all the times I slapped him, he wasn't thrown back this time. 

For several seconds, only our breathing filled the air. 

"H-how could you…" I began, my body trembling. "How could you…?" 

"Keiko, I—" 

"You what? You're sorry?" I barked, getting out of the bed. I put on my pumps that Yusuke had removed. "You're not sorry!" 

"What are you so mad about?!" Yusuke asked in a voice equaling mine in anger. He jumped off the bed and grabbed my arm. 

"I'm mad because you took advantage of me!" I shouted at his face. "I can't see why you can't put that notion in your stupid brains!" 

"_I_ took advantage of _you_?" Yusuke shook his head indignantly. "What did I do? I just kissed you!" 

"Without my permission!" 

"I have every privilege to kiss you, Keiko. I'm your husband! And you're my wife, for God's sake!" 

"You do have the privilege but you have no right!" I screamed. 

"_You_ kissed me back!" 

My hand swung through the air once again in a wide arc. I prepared for my hand to make contact with Yusuke's face. 

But Yusuke easily caught my wrist. 

"Let me go!" I yelled adamantly. Yusuke released his hold. 

The door suddenly swung open. Yusuke and I turned around at the same time. 

Then I remembered—we were still in the Kuwabara household. 

Minutes seemed to fly by until a tiny head popped into the room. 

"K-kaachan? Toochan?" 

Sakura-chan. 

She stepped into the room timidly, yet her eyes didn't lose the curious, innocent, yet almost angry stare. "Why are you fighting?" she asked. 

"Yusuke? Keiko?" Yukina, Kazuma and Shuichi appeared behind Sakura. 

"I-is everything…all right here?" Kazuma stammered, looking back and forth from me to Yusuke. "Yusuke?" 

"We're fine," Yusuke mumbled, looking back at me. "We were just—" 

"Having a misunderstanding," I finished, glaring at Yusuke. 

The three adults looked at each other. 

"Misunderstanding," Yusuke repeated. 

I suddenly forgot about the others as I felt my blood boil. "It was your fault," I said through gritted teeth. 

Yusuke threw both hands up. "Can't we just forget about this?" he asked irritably. 

"Forget? You want me to forget?" I sneered mockingly. "Of course I will. I'll forget all about you the moment I leave." 

"Leave?!" Kazuma, Yukina and Shuichi said in unison. 

I barely glanced at them. Right now, I didn't give a damn. I didn't blink my eyes as I looked straight at Yusuke, who suddenly faltered at my latest statement. 

"Leave?" 

The soft girl voice caught my attention. Beside me, Sakura gazed up, her brown eyes starting to shimmer with tears. 

"You're leaving, kaachan?" she asked. The look of her was almost heart-wrenching. 

I wanted to kneel and assure her that I won't. 

But as I looked up at Yusuke, I began to have second thoughts. 

It was best for me to play safe, to scold Sakura at that moment. Keeping my face hard, I faced her, looking as if I was angry at her. "You keep out of this, Sakura. This is between your father and me." 

"But kaachan—" 

"No buts, Sakura. Step out of the room before I slap you." 

"K-kaachan—" 

"Sakura!" I barked against my will. I didn't want to look at her, because I knew that if I do, I'd lose control of myself. 

"You _are_ leaving!" Sakura screamed. I felt her small fists hit my waist. I closed my eyes, not because of the pain—for Sakura was weak—but because tears were forcing their way to my eyes. 

"You're leaving! How could you do this to me! You don't love me, do you?" 

I bit my lip, still with my eyes closed. 

"Do you?!" 

_I love you, Sakura,_ I wanted to tell her. _I love you from the bottom of my heart, my child. I love you very much…._

But the words didn't come out of my mouth. 

"I hate you!" I heard Sakura squeal. "I hate you, kaachan! _I hate you!!!_" 

"Sakura!" It was Yusuke. 

I heard Sakura storm out of the room. 

"Now look what you've done!" 

I snapped my eyes open. Yusuke wasn't in front of me. I looked down and I saw him kneeling beside me, where Sakura should have been. 

"Did you let your pride get the best of you when Sakura was pleading you to tell her that you love her? Fine, say you hate me when you do. But don't do that to Sakura! She's still your _child_!" 

"It's not—" 

"I'm so damn sick and tired of your childishness, Keiko!" Yusuke yelled at me as he stood up. He could have hit me, but he didn't. 

I raised my eyes at him. Our eyes locked. Yusuke's intense, raging brown ones; mine that suddenly pleaded for understanding and forgiveness. 

"Leave if you want to," he said in a low tone. 

With one last look, he stormed out of the room, shouldering Kazuma and Shuichi. 

"Hey, Urameshi!" Kazuma and Shuichi followed suit. As they left, I saw Yukina and Atsuko-san gazing at me. 

Yukina hesitated, then walked towards me. 

I looked at Atsuko-san. "Kaasan…" I began. Tears began flowing from my eyes down my cheeks. "Kaasan…forgive me." 

Atsuko-san closed her eyes. But she didn't even nod. "Maybe I will," she murmured, her voice hard. I had never heard that voice before. 

"Kaasan, I—" 

"You and Yusuke clean up the mess you made," she interrupted. Her face was expressionless. I was almost smoldered by her gaze. "Then maybe I'll forgive you." With that, she disappeared from the doorway. 

I whimpered. _What had I done?_ I asked myself. _Why did I do that? Why did I become so unfeeling towards the two most precious people in my life?_

I suddenly found myself dashing towards the living room. Yusuke wasn't there. Only Minamino Shiori, Shuichi's mother, stood there, looking shocked. 

"W-where's Yusuke?" I asked her. 

"Keiko…he just left…." 

No. 

_No!_

I raced towards the front door and opened it. The cold evening breeze hit me first. I had forgotten to take any jacket with me. 

I tried to step out, but I froze. It was too cold. 

I was benumbed by shock, befallen by sorrow, hurt by my own faults. 

I deserved them. I deserved more than just those. 

"YUSUKE!!!" I cried into the night, falling to my knees.   
  
  
  


Chapter Four

* * *

I let Atsuko-san and a still sobbing Sakura-chan into our house first. 

"I'm so sorry about everything, Shuichi-san," I turned to the man in front of me. "The party was ruined all because of me." 

Shuichi smiled sympathetically. "It was all right." 

"I've upset Yukina because of our fight." 

"She assured you it was all right with her," Shuichi reminded me. "Although…she asked you to resolve everything between you and your husband." 

I shut my eyes and nodded. "I'll try my best, Shuichi. Really." 

Shuichi nodded once. "Well, I guess I have to go now. My parents are waiting for me in Kuwabara's house." 

"Sure. _Arigatou gozaimasu_," I said. 

"You're very welcome." He leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. "Merry Christmas again." 

"Merry…Christmas." 

I watched Shuichi speed down the street. He had been kind enough to take Atsuko-san, Sakura and me home. 

I went in the house and removed my coat. It was warm inside. I remembered that Yusuke had left the heater on so that we could come home in a cozy place. 

Unfortunately, he didn't come back. 

I looked at the grandfather's clock at the den. It was quarter to nine in the evening already. 

I ascended the stairs, dragging myself up. I felt worn-out. 

The first place I went to was in Sakura's bedroom. I opened the door silently. 

Sakura was already sleeping, with Atsuko-san caressing her black locks beside her. Atsuko-san stared at me as I went in. 

I looked down on the floor as I sat on the bed beside her. 

There were so many things I wanted to tell her. Since Yusuke and I got married, I became closer to Atsuko-san, and she became my second mother. Now, in the absence of my parents, she was there. 

But I remembered—she was exasperated at me. 

"What you said after Yusuke left…" 

I was surprised when Atsuko-san began the conversation. 

"…Is it all true, that you had been planning the divorce since last September?" 

I found my voice. "Y-yes," I said hoarsely, my whole body shaking violently. 

"Why? What happened?" 

"I…I don't know," I admitted, my voice trembling. "It was just that…suddenly, we fought wildly against each other and we began ignoring one another." I took a deep breath. "It's like…we had less time for one another…and the flame began to grow cold as time flew by." 

"And it was too late when you noticed?" 

_If only I had noticed._

_If only._

"Yes," I finished, liquid pooling in my eyes. 

Atsuko-san sighed, shifting her head from one side to the other. "When…when is too late too late, Keiko-chan?" 

I looked up at her as a tear slid down my cheeks. What was she asking? 

"Did you ever realize that you were never late? You just gave in to the problem. You didn't give yourself a chance to sew everything up." 

I couldn't reply. I knew that if I did, her wisdom would simply belittle me. 

I was wrong. Very wrong. 

"What do you think of Yusuke right now?" Atsuko-san asked me. 

Yusuke…. 

I love Yusuke. 

I gritted my teeth and squeezed my eyes shut, letting more tears stain my face. 

"Keiko-chan…" I felt Atsuko-san rub my back. 

I couldn't take it anymore. I hugged Atsuko-san, begging for comfort in my darkened world. My world—that I myself ruined. 

Yusuke never did anything wrong. 

Last September, I told him I wanted a divorce. He was obviously surprised and heavyhearted, but he said fine. 

During these last few days, I now realized, he was desperately trying to win me back. First, by convincing me to stay for Christmas. Second, for saying how he felt about Sakura's growth—for the first time ever—to me. Third, this morning, when he asked me if he still has a chance to convince me to stay. 

At that point, I began to feel my heart reaching out for him again. 

And just by shouting at him when he kissed me, I blew it all off. 

If only…I said yes when he asked me to stay. 

If only I let him kiss me. 

If only I told Sakura a while ago that I loved her. 

_If only…._

"Kaasan," I lamented on Atsuko-san's lap. "Kaasan…I love Yusuke very much. I love my family very much. I'm sorry…I'm so terribly sorry…."   
  


I looked at the grandfather clock. It was twenty minutes to eleven o'clock. 

One hour and twenty minutes to Christmas. 

A year ago, by this time, Sakura, Yusuke and I were dancing around the Christmas tree as a Christmas carol played on our component. 

Now, the house was dark. No sound echoed off the walls. Sakura and Atsuko-san were asleep. 

There I was, waiting for Christmas…alone. 

I had no idea being alone on Christmas Eve was this hard. Not until this. 

The smell of roasted ham and assorted pies wafted from the dining room to the den. It only made me sicker to the stomach. I was all prepared, yet I was miserable. I was prepared for nothing. 

And I was still wearing that stupid slinky gown. 

My eyes traveled towards the window beside me. With my hand, I wiped the frost off the cold glass and looked outside. 

The houses around were smaller than ours, I could see. But they were a lot better than this big empty house. They were bursting with activity, Christmas lights hanging here and there, children playing in the snow. 

I tore my eyes away from the outside world. As I did, my eyes met the magnificent Christmas tree. 

I got up slowly and walked toward it, eyeing the angel on top of it. The I reached down for the plug of the Christmas lights. 

Suddenly, the room was brightened up with yellow light coming from our tree. 

The light that was reflected from the tinsels and balls were bounced back on the walls, so that the room was glittered with multicolored speckles of light. Everything was beautiful. 

Then I turned on our Christmas lights on the outside, those that Yusuke had put the morning after we decorated the Christmas tree. I remembered him huffing in the cold up there on the roof, rubbing his hands together, while I looked up at him, snickering. 

I missed Yusuke. 

I sat on the floor in front of the tree and crossed my legs. I stared at it. We had put the tree up for two years already, and this was the third time. Everytime it was put up, the whole family was there, and we watched as the lights were turned on. 

I now realized how close to my heart my family is. The divorce was just a damn—it wasn't anything. It would never make my life any easier. I would miss Sakura, I would miss…Yusuke…. 

I hugged my knees together. 

Yusuke…the one person I have always loved. 

And forever will. 

My eyes closed, and soon, I was sleeping.   
  


I suddenly felt a pair of arms wrap around my cold body. The familiar scent of his cologne hit me next. 

I buried my face into what I knew was Yusuke's bosom. 

For several moments, we stayed that way, I resting in the warmth of my husband's body. 

"Keiko…" 

I whimpered as I forced myself to raise my head to look at his face. 

He had been crying, I saw from his eyes. Now they overwhelmed me with warmth and love, suddenly filling my heart with joy. 

My lips slowly turned upwards. "Y-Yusuke…you came back." 

"I had to be home…for Christmas." 

I burst into tears and thrust my face into his chest. "I'm sorry, honey…I'm so sorry. Forgive me for everything…." 

His fingers dug across my hair. "Keiko…you know I have always forgiven you. I don't hate you for anything." 

I remained silent. 

Then Yusuke took my hands and stood up, pulling me as well. His eyes never left my face. And I couldn't tear my eyes off his, either. 

He carried my hands to his shoulders and let them rest on his broad collar. He slipped his hands around my waist. He swayed me to one side. 

We slow-danced for some time, though without music, each minute bringing us closer to each other's body…until we reached the point when we were embracing each other. 

"Yusuke?" I whispered softly. 

"Yes?" he said in my ear. 

"Do you…do you love me, Yusuke?" 

I felt Yusuke's arms tighten around me. 

"I do," Yusuke murmured. "I love you, Keiko. You and Sakura mean everything to me. And if you leave me, I don't know what I'd do with my life!" 

My heart swelled with what Yusuke had just told me. It was like a renewed declaration of love that was there between us all along. 

I'd never let it slip away again. Never ever. 

"Do _you_ love me, Keiko?" 

I smiled. "I say this once, Yusuke, and I'll mean it until the end of time." I paused. _"Eien ni…ai shiteru."_

"Keiko…." 

I clutched him tighter as my own tears fell on his tuxedo. He did the same, inhaling in my hair. 

At that moment, the grandfather clock chimed twelve times. 

We stood there in silence, still not letting go of one another. 

"Merry Christmas…" Yusuke murmured. "My love." 

~owari~   
(c) [Manille Alcaraz][1] 120899. 

[[Chapter One][2]] [[Chapter Two][3]] [[Chapter Three][4]]   


I Do (Cherish You)   
98 Degrees (From the album _98 Degrees and Rising_) 

I do, I do, I do, I do…. 

All I am, all I'll be   
Everything in this world   
All that I'll ever need   
Is in your eyes   
Shining at me   
When you smile I can feel   
All my passion unfolding   
Your hand brushes mine   
And a thousand sensations   
Seduce me 'cause I…. 

I do cherish you   
For the rest of my life   
You don't have to think twice   
I will love you still   
From the depths of my soul   
It's beyond my control   
I've waited so long to say this to you   
If you're asking do I love you this much   
I do…. 

In my world, before you   
I lived outside my emotions   
Didn't know where I was going   
Till that day, I found you   
How you opened my life   
To a new paradise   
In a world torn by change   
Still with all of my heart   
Till my dying day 

I do (I'll cherish you my baby)   
Cherish you (This much I know it's true)   
For the rest of my life   
You don't have to think twice   
I will (I'll always love you baby)   
Love you still (This much my love it's true)   
From the depths of my soul   
It's beyond my control   
I've waited so long to say this to you   
If you're asking do I love you this much   
Yes I do…. 

(I really love you) I do   
(I really love you)   
If you're asking do I love you this much 

Baby I do (I'll cherish you my baby)   
Cherish you (This much I know it's true)   
From the depths of my soul   
It's beyond my control   
I've waited so long to say this to you   
If you're asking me do I love you this much   
Baby, I do.... 

   [1]: mailto:shootingstar92438@yahoo.com
   [2]: fallinlove.html
   [3]: fallinlove2.html
   [4]: fallinlove3.html



End file.
